Expedition 9 to 5

AllTrails has given me advice on current conditions, gotten me out of some sticky situations when I’ve found myself off-trail, and (for the most part) has provided an accurate view of terrain on a new hike. Like many others on the internet, this platform serves as a black hole for people to dump their opinions. Some are useful, and some are nuanced grievances. 

For an app that highlights the most famous and breathtaking hikes across the globe, there were more complaints than one might expect. In all fairness, most people were griping about crowds, parking, and trail closures, but I got some good laughs from those that may be considered more niche regarding scenery or amenities. Here are some of my favorite reviews of hikes that I have trekked in the past:

Devils Garden Trail in Arches National Park

Arches is known for, well, its arches. This trail is renowned for the iconic natural arch formations across its landscape. The park boasts few challenging trails, but it is worth the visit to see the variety of natural formations created by millions of years of geological processes. Devils Garden is perfect if you’re seeing the park in one day. The 8-mile loop is very popular, but for some it’s a deal breaker:

“Good luck even seeing an arch with 100,000 people in front of you” 

“I saw zero devils, I expected fertile row after row of growing satans” 

However, there was a review that summed up the hike perfectly:

“Fun easy hike. Wish there were less people but I guess I’m people too! Beautiful hike.”

The Narrows is one of the most unique hikes in all national parks. The trail takes you through the Virgin River, wading through ankle-deep water and sometimes swimming through deeper sections of the narrow slot canyon. The character of the Narrows is constantly changing, but you can’t miss the natural cathedral-like environment created by 1,000-foot canyon walls. While I consider it to be one of the most worthwhile hikes I’ve ever done (even with having to buy/rent waders), some did not enjoy the more immersive experience: 

“My whole body has shiver me timbers” 

“Crowded… No bathrooms so it’s basically an enormous toilet bowl. This is not a nature trail” 

Lost Mine Trail in Big Bend National Park 

Nestled in the Chisos Mountain range and known for her vast desert expanses, Big Bend is the largest national park in Texas. I recently did this road trip from Austin and loved being back in the desert of West Texas. Lost Mine trail is a hike I’ve done multiple times and have thoroughly enjoyed! As far as hikes go, I would say it’s in line with most trails in which you have to walk to get to the view: 

“I can’t even drive to it with my car. I wish I knew this because I would not have gone.” 

“Conditions: desert” 

Rim-to-Rim Hike in the Grand Canyon 

The reviews on this hike make me laugh because most all of them are true. Of course, one should exercise caution in the Grand Canyon, but proper preparation will more than allow you to do this 16-mile hike in one of the most visited national parks, where less than 1% of visitors reach the Colorado River. Is it easy? No. Is it worth it? Yes! 

“Horrible I died” 

“Fuckin rough” 

“Mule shite everywhere.”

“Would be so much better without the steps.”

Sugarloaf in Boulder, Colorado

Sugarloaf Mountain is one of my favorite hikes in Colorado. Coming in at 1.3 miles out and back, she’s short but packs a real punch with the scenery! The view of the continental divide doesn’t get much better than at the top of this hike. It also has a special place in my heart because my parents got engaged at the top of good old Sugarloaf Mountain. However, be warned:

The one-star reviews include “rocky,” so consider that when choosing hikes in the Rocky Mountains.

 Others conclude, “view is not worth it”.

Avalanche Lake in Glacier National Park 

Glacier National Park has been my favorite park to date. The stories that came out of this 4-day camping trip with my dear friend Carly are of a status that will make me a very cool aunt and an even cooler grandma someday. Stories aside, GNP has the most amazing treks and wildlife viewing I have ever experienced. Carly and I are, in fact, bear encounter survivors, but reviews of Avalanche Lake dub the trail as follows: 

“I’d rather see paint dry, Not worth it. Crowded af and no bears”. 

Ann and Roy Butler Hike-and-Bike Trail in Austin, Texas 

I wanted to include an urban trail in contrast to ones that are more off the beaten path, and the reviews for Ann and Roy Butler just made me smile. This is a trail I run/walk/bike in every season (luckily Texas allows for that). This is a 10-mile loop with entry points that touch some of the most iconic spots of ATX. The reviews had a fun mix of tourist opinions and locals who reviewed it multiple times after various days on the trail:

“Did about half the trail on e-bikes which I still have not mastered! Wearing brand new cowboy boots probably did not help.” 

“Definitely not for rollerblading”

“Hot”

All from the same reviewer: 

“5/5, 10/10 felt great and hot and ready to ride today. This is the start of a good era for me” 

“I’m tired didn’t want to go. Humid asf lights were dead. I feel gross and fat. But I went. I am proud of myself for going (doing my best).”

“So happy and free and hot the sunshine is incredible it is my medicine I live for the stupid heat”

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